I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
socratic questions
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.