@Whatevah_Amy

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

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@GaryJanetti

When I was in my twenties we didn’t have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.

@maymay72x

my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..

someones not getn laid tonight.

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@SophGalustian

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

@TheBoydP

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.