When I was in my twenties we didn’t have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..
someones not getn laid tonight.
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*
Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.