Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

[loses house key, starts a new life]

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

my favorite genre of twitter