@BriarSlyMadness

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

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@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@LosLos__

Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

@Reverend_Scott

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

@murrman5

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@trevso_electric

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?