I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!