My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
billy joel: can i sing them to u
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods
Liquor Store Cashier: Wow! Big party this weekend?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?