@BriarSlyMadness
@skittle624 My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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@skittle624 
@randypaint billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
fireman: what
billy joel: can i sing them to u
@LosLos__ Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
@Reverend_Scott *calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
@murrman5 “john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
@david8hughes If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
@nachdermas gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods
@buhsbaby_baby Liquor Store Cashier: Wow! Big party this weekend?
Me: No.
@trevso_electric “Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
@QwertyJones3 Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?