@Elizasoul80: Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

@briancthayer: *mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn* Mom, I'm 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@Birdhumms: Brain: If we leave now we'll be on time for once. Body: Ten more minutes then.

@lovemydogduck: My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.

@Adar79Angie: I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I'd say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.