I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
This meal prepping shit easy
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.