I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan