@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably

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@JustDontBugMe

Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@MrMeeseechistic

There are 8 types of people in the world

-People who are A+
-People who are A-
-People who are B+
-People who are B-
-People who are AB+
-People who are AB-
-People who are O+
-People who are O-

@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

@BrettDruck

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

@trentistweeting

“Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-”
JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD
“Trent that’s not really what i-”
It’s Jamarcus now

@Go2Slp

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.