My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene