I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling