I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.