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@SoVeryBritish: “I’m not going to eat anything today”
@llvvzz: Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
@roxiqt: THEM: "Pineapple should never be on pizza! It's a fruit!"
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] "Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid."
@omgthatspunny: If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
@just1fool: I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.
It was probably over a stolen tweet.
@Birdhumms: Growing up couldn't wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?