“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
These aliens are taking forever.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.