@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

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@Nachos0verHoes

How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times

@ChicksRule

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

@ClichedOut

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@ch000ch

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

@perhapssomeday

My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.