I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

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How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times



Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte


That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.


I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.


*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.


3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together


therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u


My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.