@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

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@mozarellaastick

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

@XplodingUnicorn

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

@vincevangone

Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!

@TheBoydP

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

@peytnhaag

$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed

@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.