I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Saw online –
can’t bark with your mouth full
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***