I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You Might Also Like
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
The Weeknd is back
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased