Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
what does he know…
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Its a hippotatomus
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.