@tsm560: I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.
@pancakemixtape: It's like these credit card companies don't even care that I'm an electric accordionist for South Dakota's finest heavy metal parody band.
@KarenKilgariff: My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed "I hate you!" and she gently replied "I know. It doesn't matter."