I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.