@mattZillaaaa

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

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@JustinGuarini

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

@Cyd10e

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.