@mattZillaaaa

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

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@MyNameIsArchaic

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

@SadMeterologist

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

@PoshTick

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

@LittleMissAngr1

Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

@Babasnookie

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS