Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
You Might Also Like
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS