Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
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My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday