@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

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@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@WheelTod

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

@CatherineLMK

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@SatansTongue

*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
FAIL
“Because he doesn’t floss”
CORRECT!

@UncleDuke1969

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

@randypaint

him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me:
him:
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen