I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.


Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”


How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?


My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.


*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
“Because he doesn’t floss”


ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.


him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen