I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
What my back needs
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”