I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Good morning!
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.