I’m not green with envy that’s just an infection.

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Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.


[working at Bed Bath & Beyond]
ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Shower head.
ME: Sir, please, we just met.


*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here


“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?


Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.


Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude


Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys


Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.


Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.