I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said


[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone


Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin’s friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
Kevin: bro


I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.


Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.

Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.

Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.


A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.