@just1fool

I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

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@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

@shutupmikeginn

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@Mr_goose007

Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.

@thejessbess

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

@li4mst3w4rt

my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…

@david8hughes

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@FirecrackerKatt

I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.