I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign