I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Google assistant rules
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.