Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Attacked by a mop.