wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.