@AndRyanTF

I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother

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@theshantilly

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

@gavinmind

“I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

– Tony the Tiger’s wife

@tastefactory

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@pinningnut

My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don’t know. But I hope he enjoys it.

@sweetmomissa

*my kids whining*

Me: oh knock it off and grow up

*my dogs whining*

Me: oh honey, oh baby, my little pitter pat whatever do you need, wanna play ball, let’s cuddle

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday