I’m not high! – high people

I’m not drunk! – drunk people

I’m not lying! – lying people

I’m not gay! – my brother

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Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.



– Tony the Tiger’s wife


[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up


You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.


According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.


My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don’t know. But I hope he enjoys it.


*my kids whining*

Me: oh knock it off and grow up

*my dogs whining*

Me: oh honey, oh baby, my little pitter pat whatever do you need, wanna play ball, let’s cuddle


1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.


me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday