I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
and this one
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.