i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You Might Also Like
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I ate everything, including the H.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
*jingles half the way*
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.