CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I’m not insulting you..
I’m describing you..
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ??
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.