i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
You Might Also Like
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah