I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding