I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!


It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.


FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.


It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!


[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”


Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.


TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.


“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)


The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.


I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.