@bornmiserable

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

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@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

@Reverend_Scott

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@CulturedRuffian

It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”

@BeTheCookie

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@better_off_dad

The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

@lmegordon

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.