I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
This is sending me to another galaxy
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.