There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Friday
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school