I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes