I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”