Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”