Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
o shit
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
my fav colour is also hitler
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.