@ednition

I’m not letting anyone into my head until I’ve cleaned up the place.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

@drayzze

Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@jake_lach

Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old

@LorieGZ

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

@Miniwheats2012

Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!

*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.

@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

@DestineyLynn

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.