Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.