“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.