Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Worst bar ever.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”