Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Hot hot hot 🥵
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!