“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream