I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket