I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.