I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Somebody’s lying.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.