I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Your secret is safeish with me
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.