I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele