I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.

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Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next


parent cockroaches be like “don’t let me catch you in those nice neighborhoods”


I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent


what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”


I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.


“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks


Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.


[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came


I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.


I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?