@kelly__le

I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.

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@NourHadidi

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

@notviking

y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it

@Papa_Mex

I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way

@Jandalize

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

@WilliamRodgers

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

@TheJamieLee

Never understand when someone says, “cats are snobby.” Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?

@Angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that