I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.

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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.


y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it


I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way


Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.


“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback



[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?


Never understand when someone says, “cats are snobby.” Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?


Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that