I’m not mature enough to work at Siemens.

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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out


satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much


3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.


NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.


Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?


Me: This painting really speaks to me.

Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.


How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.


If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.


The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .


Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.


[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes