@SuperJuanderer
@Skoog
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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@Skoog
@FreddyAmazin
3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.
@chuuew
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
@stephenjmolloy
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
@hazelmotes1
Me: This painting really speaks to me.
Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.
@askceil
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
@PaperWash
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
@RatBatallion
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
@HRTSMRT
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes