(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
File under excellent bookstore names.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?