I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.

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My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly


You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.


He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.


good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich


Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried


I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.


Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.